My Own Worst Enemy

Another week down, only a few left until August 1st. And I had an entire image in my mind at that time where I would be. But if you’ve seen prior blogs, then you know I am in the midst of rebuilding the plan I had been working on for 5 years. Had to be wiped and started anew. So that means, on the 18th Anniversary of The Vault of Metal’s 1st show on Aug 4 2004 on Hard Rock Radio Live - will be not be celebrated.

I do have something else in the works and I hope to have it all up and running by the end of this year. Life threw several curveballs at me in the month of June and July, one of which also affected my income for a short while. Slowly correcting now, but all the remaining money I had towards the project had to be repurposed to bills and life expenses. Which then of course, left me even more frantic and frustrated.

And my old “friend” self doubt once again raises it’s head. And boy do I hate him.

The whole thing about it is, I have to wear masks on a daily basis. Some people may use terms like spoons and such when dealing with chronic issues. This has many elements of that, but it is something much more. Soon I will flesh this out more in thought, but for now these masks are how I am able to get through my day in public. Not the eye of the public, leaving the house public.

Raven the Devil is my biggest mask. The name I want to leave behind in the “Public Figure” world. The name that on numerous occasions have cost me paying work in radio and voice overs. Literally once on Linkedin - I was contacted by a woman in Los Angeles about working in radio there. I replied in my usual email reply - my signature of which had “AKA Raven the Devil” under my name. The immediate reply from this woman, with an email block was “I’m sorry I do not work with people who worship the devil, or use demonic imagery’’.

Had that not happened during the nearly 10 years I was homeless desperately trying to get back on my feet and doing what I loved. I wouldn’t probably have learned to hate that Mask’s name. But this was a Major Radio and Voice Over company deal. Rep stuff, maybe management. And the damned name, my old friend Raven - killed it.

I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out which parts of me are in him and vice versa. And I am fully aware when I leave the house, the parts of me who aren’t the best are over lapped by his more outgoing aspects. Yes I do refer to each piece of this as an individual. This is solely for narrative, I do NOT in any way think of myself in the 3rd person or hear voices. But I will make constant jokes that maybe I am, simply to not make this something I rely on more than I do. But why here and now do I say this. Well this is it …

When I am out and about, at work or the like. Raven is on duty. 100% of the time. No fear, no cares, no worries back home. One thing I learned growing up from my dad in the 1970’s was when you go to work, your home life stays home. I’ve always had some sort of outgoing side to my personality. Even to points of it being physically harmful to my wellbeing. I’ve always naturally had a smile for a stranger, quick to shake a hand. And because of the way my mind works, can tend to hold a simple conversation about anything for a short period.

April 28, 1998 that changed when I was in the accident, when a 17 year old drunk driver nearly killed me and my driver and got away scot free. Arrested at the time, court minor charges, then joined military so never having to go to civil court for destroying my otherwise healthy mind and body.

Then comes the Brain Injury, the anxiety. I no longer want to leave the house, no longer able to be able to do simple things like going to a movie or dinner without a 1000 fold panic attack stopping me in my tracks. After 10 drunken angry years [ yes even during the Vault I was dealing with this - started my road to sobriety around 2007 ] and the successes I was finally earning. Raven as a Mask was born.

Up to that point, it was just a joke with my partners. A Diva etc. But it took another 5 years before I realized I was actually putting on the character on the radio, just to leave the house. So I adapted. I merged the mask and me somewhat back together. Which ultimately lead me here. And yes I do know I have brought up some of this before. Just a bit more details as I go.

So here I am, 2022 in July with only a few days left. Why this now? Well self doubt is not a great thing for anyone and my brain is wired mean. Who I am when people see me on the streets, isn’t the inner me but the public me. The one I wish I was all the time. And people seem to react positively.

So why the hell is it then, that when there is the possibility of a camera or a microphone being there, it changes all that? Seriously bad. Now that the zero hour approaches I am in the zone I work best in. Pressure.

And my brain keeps telling me to stop wasting my time chasing a pipe dream. I’m an idiot, a fool, an ego manic chasing after past illusions of glory to feed my over blown unimportant self worth. I don’t really care what anyone says or may think of me. I have people who read my replies for me.

Seriously.

After the first few years of people trashing me on the internet. My give a rats ass left with the piper. I reply to those I am told I should. The idea of someone trying to “cancel” me is almost hysterical. Not because I am afraid of my past being told. Why? This blog is SOLELY to tell those stories. The good and more so, the bad. And even so, if someone still tried. Do your worst. I’ve been to depths that could kill weaker people, been burned by the closest to me in ways that I should have committed horrendous revenge crimes, but did not. As the old saying goes “I’ve been to jail before, and not afraid to go back.” rings slightly true. I prefer to stay allergic to handcuffs thank you very much.

But yet still for some reason, I - the Me inside. Can not accept that I am ever good enough for what I want to do. And the nasty bit that wants me to shoot myself in the foot comes back hardcore. When I am at work for example, I put out the gist and vibe of the idea I want to do. And so far very little negative feedback. Well except that damned lawyer who wants to be a podcaster.

No one in the public eye is a normal person. NO ONE. The JD/AH is all the evidence I shall provide. If you think that type of crap isn’t common. It is. Every single actor or musician I have ever spoken to, on and off air. Have all said something to the effect of “No one who does this, hasn’t got issues.” Passions come from fear of loss. Sith code all the way there. Peace is a lie, there is only passion. So many bandied around terms too from narcissist to self centered.

Just wait until I re do the Celebrity Suicide video I once did. Not saying more, but it’s honest and not in any way derogatory of the dead. Anyways, everyone is damaged in some way. And even my musician friends now who are yelling I am wrong. Am I? Why do you still bust your ass to get your music out there? What drives YOU to be UNIQUE? FEAR - insert reason here, from not forgotten or unloved, to why not me. All good valid reasons. But still routed in a deep desire to be loved.

Simple. Basic. Psychology. Fame and people who know your name. And want pictures of you with your signature. But always the most important of all MONEY. Self interest is not bad, but in the right person it becomes obsession. Myself included. The last decade of my own life is all of the above, so I DO speak from my own experiences. And those who I have spoken to about this topic.

And my voice is telling me that all of those people, have the one thing I do not.

Ability, and Talent.

And inner voices tend to be the hardest ones to beat. They always know your vulnerabilities, your fears and doubts. And mine is mean, hates me. I think we all have this as well, but mine found a megaphone along the way. And there is literally nothing anyone can say to me in way, that is worse than my own sound track. 7 times in my life that voice almost got his way. 7 times I myself almost ended it. And even if most of the people who at those times, in my life - are gone. All before our relationships ended, they saved my life.

Something I still deeply am angry about. I don’t in any way want to die, hell I wouldn’t be trying for 50 more years if I was. But I remember the nothingness, just gone. Peaceful. And with my “friend” and his speakers, well peace might be nice. Makes it worse I only sleep 4 hours a night.

But this is why I also write all this here, because this is part of how I fight it. Maybe someone else one day may find something helpful in my ramblings. Tomorrow is not promised, we only have today. Today however I feel like my hands are tied and I am bashing my head into the wall.

So I keep telling myself to keep to the plan, there is always set backs, nothing worth it is easy. But sometimes I wish it was.