So why do it?

My other big issue here is this one. Why am I doing this? I have always loved being on stage, as well as being a part of working in a production. When I first got my taste of performing in High School in musical theater, the whole process was fascinating as well as a major influence on my future.

I went to a school in a more affluent area of Connecticut. One where some of my classmates were children of Celebrities. Athletes, Actors, and Broadcasters. So the audition process to get into a play was not by any means easy. There were many other things in my life at this time, that made my ability to comfortably move between social and society, stupidly tricky. But my first audition went well, I got into the play.

“Guys and Dolls” was the musical, I still remember my 2 lines to this day. And the 6 or 7 different minor characters I got to play. One had a name, the rest was just a description. Even had as an acting teacher for the school play who was a TV and Movie actor - who at the time had just done a film with Drew Barrymore, written by Stephen King. As well as a semi occasional Sit Com appearance as an Ex Husband and Father to Alyssa Milano. Whose son had also graduated from the same school and became a well known London Werewolf just a year earlier.

Yes I descriptively name dropped there. If you figure it out, let me know! This year had a HUGE impact on me already, as the school had done a book report at that time of “2001 - A Space Odyssey” and they had a showing of the film. Which afterwards the star of the movie who lived at that time in town, to speak after the film. Keir Dullea - Dr. David Bowman himself. I had read the book at least 4 or 5 times at that point in my life. Same with the film, I had tons of questions. I met him, got to privately speak to him as well. Even made it in the local paper in the photograph of the actor.

Those 2 experiences hooked me, the play was a success. I was a tiny part among many more talented people. But many of them I considered friends, at least while we were a cast. I learned my first lesson in entertainment after this however. Hard.

The play ended, the playbills signed for the memory and then back to normal life. I, myself was a nerdy, fat, acne prone, awkward kid. Socially inept. I had been overseas for a couple years and I had started to question a lot of things that were different between the USA and elsewhere. I was listening to the early 1980’s angry music - Motorhead and Mercyful Fate to Venom and Hellhammer. But I looked like I escaped from the Preppy Handbook. I wanted to fit in, I thought I had. Then the reality of being interested in performing happened.

Friends went back to their lives and real friends and stopped being so buddy buddy. The next audition was posted, keep in mind the following statement. I was supposed to act like someone under the influence of drugs for the play, so I smoked some pot before hand. And was told I was not convincing. Blew my mind, asked afterwards. Said I wasn’t what they were looking for. I get it but at the time 14 mind was crushed. Shortly after I got mad at the world, and changed my look. But the lesson had just begun, even if my hair was only beginning to grow.

Lesson 2 took place 2 years later at Grand Central Station. At this time, I had left school and was beginning my “dirtbag roadie” days. I call them that because at the time I didn’t know what I was doing, and worked for whomever paid most. But on this day I wasn’t all kitted out, just jeans and tshirt. Saw my acting coach from school whom I had not seen in maybe a year and a half. Walked up to say hello, it’s not like to my mind that this guy who spent 1 on 1 time with me over 4 months could forget me. Remember again, new to the world and it was 1987. Greeted him, went to hold out my hand. He looked right at me and said “Do I know you?” and before I could reply. Fled from where I was to stand near a transit cop. Motioning to myself and my friends. Cop of course comes over, and I had to explain that the man had been my acting teacher and I just wanted to say hello.

Nothing came of it but the lesson at that moment was learned. In Entertainment - Your Value is only temporary and solely based on WHO and WHAT you are doing RIGHT THEN. Otherwise they forget who you are. If you aren’t marketable or profitable. They don’t know you. Hard lessons, but true.

So why do it at all? I have asked myself this many times in my life when times get hard, and I keep coming up with the same answers.

I love being able to do it, even if my skill is subjective to the viewer.

When I don’t do some form of entertainment, I slowly go insane.

And more of a joke since I started doing online media, it seems like every time I take a break from it. The world loses it’s collective mind.

And am I really sitting here putting this out there to the world. I have things I believe can help people, but sometimes it is hard being positive when everything else is crumbling around me. And I find myself daily self doubting the next step. Harass me about it and I get fired up. Leave me to my own silences. And I doubt everything.

So I ended up saying something yesterday that rings true I guess. In any Adventure - the hero never gets to their goal in a straight line. Just wishes the whole time it were the case. Many set backs will hold them back. And the journey is the purpose, not the goal of the story. What they do when they are shut down and held back is the more important part of the story. Not the why, but the what you do after.

Now to do mine today.