Imposter Syndrome …
Ooooo, it looks like I want to play around in the rabbit hole today. Nothing like a good day turned a bit crappy to delve into a bit of self introspective. So why this topic? Why so early in the blog? Well perhaps I am just a masochist.
Honestly and all joking aside, the name for this posting is exactly my worst fault. I have shot myself in the foot more than once in my life, simply because I did not feel like “I belong" here”. This is a common thing most people experience in their lives. So why do I care about my own? Maybe my warped way of experiencing it could help someone else. Or at least explain some of the issues that plagued the early shows sometimes.
A feeling of not belonging is one thing, that same one when you are standing among people who consider you a peer. Let alone look up to you. For me once I went into Syndication with The Vault of Metal, a 1 man show - an artist who volunteered, and a show booker as well. But those first 19 to 20 months, just me. 5 days a week, 6 hours a day. Then the behind the scenes as well.
By 2007 I was getting some decent to well known names. 2008 was being published on front pages of popular metal Ezines, then Vegas and The Real Radio Show. My show seemed like everyone wanted to be on it, and everyone who hated me listened more than those who loved the show. The most humbling to eventually come to discover. People who were my guests, once in the 80’s I was a fan of. HAD HEARD OF ME. Even a few had been fans prior to being a guest.
ME?
I can call several people of renown friends. I am sure they think the same of me, and I know it to be true. But I NEVER FOLLOW UP with them. Unless they reach out to me. My brain does the “why bother” or “they will think you want something.” or simply the movie famous “I’m not worthy”.
I have dropped many a ball in this regard. Details and in depth of the what’s and where’s, well that will be a series for another day.
The not worthy thoughts persist to this day, I don’t even like talking to most people I know without a reason. Most people I am referencing however, also have albums, tours, shows, shoots etc … and what has a little nobody like me got to offer someone like that? It bends the mind for me sometimes, that I know well that it isn’t the case.
I earned my achievements, and those who may have done more. Or achieved more that call me a friend, don’t suffer the same voices in my head about me. The true crux of it all, it’s in my head and I KNOW it.
So why the post about all these ramblings? Because this is what I do when there is something I don’t like. I throw it in my own face, mock myself for letting invisible words stop me. And get back up off my backside, and do something about it. Time never goes backwards, and nothing in life worth taking is given freely. Time is all we get, and a tiny fraction of it without the weight of the world behind us. Tick tock, minutes and seconds just passing us by.
The only way I know, is to pull up my britches. Get back on the horse. And try again with something new. And everytime that urge rises up. Stomp it flat. Because if I don’t no one else will for me.
