Boxes

Boxes. We put ourselves in them, and spend the rest of our lives trying to think outside of it. Ever since I had to take The Vault of Metal down in 2011, I had a cold eerie feeling that I had done all that I was ever going to do. At least as some form of a Radio Presenter, and entertainer. The latter I still consider to be a matter of debate and perspective.

After I pulled the show, and had left The Real Radio Show, a lot of things happened all at once in my personal life. And it all fell apart, and off I went into a new journey. One that changed me for the rest of my life. And despite all that happened in those years, I think for the better. That story will be done at a later time, if interest in it still is out there.

But the particular box I put myself in during this time, was one of my own making. And now this new idea and project is there - hopefully to rip me out of it in time. I had spent far too much time trying to still be “Raven the Devil” as he/I was. The character was my mask. Still is in many ways. One I had to create after 1998 when I was in a near fatal car accident. And did not discover for another 11 years after in 2009, that the slight TBI I had in that accident had also left me with severe PTSD from the accident.

I had leaned so hard on the alter ego, that he became a mask I wore. Constantly and often when I had to leave the house. Had to become the character so my heart wouldn’t beat out of my chest. A secret most of the DJs I trained back in the day know, is even on mic when doing radio - MY EYES WERE ALWAYS CLOSED!! You can see my old pics on stage doing stand up. It is impossible to find one almost with my eyes open.

This also why, in most of the Real Radio Show pilot shoot pictures - I have sunglasses on. And if you have seen the previous entry about Imposter Syndrome - this was also involved. Everything happened so fast. I went on any given day, barely making it by. To having to seem like I was on top of the world.

And this was 2004 to 2010. Not like today, not where people are now called “Influencers” because what we did back then. Most of my peers in that era are long gone. Why? Because back then we were all “Hobbyists - fanboys - living in mom’s basement”. Amateurs. Unprofessional. At least according to the Industry, many bands, Magazines etc. I personally had many a conversation where people laughed at me when I would say. Not only would making a living be possible - it WAS going to be the future.

2011 however, this was not the case, and there were no Sponsors, or Advertisers. Money was only made off my own insane schedule and often not even made back what I invested. I believed, the world did not.

The world won, I lost it all. And then I packed my life into boxes. And placed myself in one too. Of the WHO I WAS. 2015 - 2016 I tried again and then some videos the last few years. None of it felt like what was. It did not feel real, I had evolved and changed. The world I gave my all for, did not. And no I am not surprised - you’re either the flavor of the week, or yesterdays trash. I get it, I am prepared for that.

But I did not respect my own ability, my own growth. I forgot that what drives my goals and dreams is FEAR. Fear of not living my best life, to the best of my ability. I had to let go my anger at myself for failing. Because ultimately, because of the walls I had built around me. I refused to see those that cared, throwing me the lifeline I had hoped for.

But no longer, the time in front of me is a lot shorter than the road behind. I have now lived longer than many of my friends who passed before me in age. They lived, they inspired. I still have time, and I no longer need the pity party.

Time to do the behind the scenes business today and nail this down right the first time.