Been a while, but here we go ….

2 months almost down of 2023, and I have been dragging my feet to get back to this page - my plans, and to getting back on the horse again.

I find it hard, here online - to always put down what I am thinking or feeling. Not because expressing myself in modern memory is a difficult thing. But because unless you see me out in the world, or know me personally. It may come across half assed or disingenuous, self doubts I have, and of course a nagging “why bother who cares”.

I also deal with health issues too, some more apparent than others. The cane, previously the walker - are the easy ones. Not so easy to see is the PTSD I have from my accident in 1998. Or the internal health issues from a Gastric Bypass in 1988 and 25+ years of different physicians telling me different things. All contradictory to the previous one, so it starts to feel like they are just throwing darts at a brick wall in hopes one will stick.

If you go to the Youtube page and check out my 3 conversation videos. Aside from the garbage laptop and lighting at that time, you can see if you watch long enough - I am unable to sit still for long periods of time. As well as constantly in need of liquids. The first is due to nerve pain, any one position too long hurts, the latter the bypass. And I HATE cameras and pictures in my personal life.

Perhaps I have some body self loathing issues too, but I hate my pictures and liken myself to a toll collecting bridge troll. And not to sound like a VERY old annoying song from the 80’s …. but Video killed the Radio star ….

The idea of being in front of the camera for a guy used to being behind it, or completely behind a different curtain completely - has been hard for me. I strap on Raven and off he goes, but I end up doing the editing and spend hours of time cringing worse than I ever did editing my voice. Voice is a voice - it is what it is. But I hate my body and have many more years of work ahead of me - or money to pay someone else, to make the videos look the way I want.

Whinge - whinge - whinge ……

Even above it seems like I am just making another excuse. To myself.

So like a Band Aid when it’s time to come off, I am just grabbing on and going for it. Yep, almost 8 months later, pulling my head out of my own arse. And going to start making videos. Today in the Youtube channel community I posted a small poll as I work towards my first at my desk yapping at the camera video.

‘Cause ya gotta start somewhere. And I already have done worse. Ask anyone about me when I drank on air ………

Plus in the day to day of my life, I know many people who have mentioned to me that my story helps them with their lives. Not the Radio Host reaching for the stars, but the fallen guy - who got back up again and again. Chasing dreams while trying to at least live in today. And honestly, that makes my bad days so much better. Even if I am faking the smile most times because it hurts so damn much.

But I do it, every day. For me. For MYSELF too. Because I am tired of wallowing in self pity, in my past. I am capable of more. Or at least this is what I tell myself everyday to get to tomorrow. I fought harder in the last decade than I did in the previous ones to LIVE for once in my life, not exist.

That’s gotta count for something, right?

I am still the same busted old man I was yesterday, but I am here today. I may not be tomorrow. And each day I do nothing never will come back. And these are the last of the days where I am still - young enough to enjoy any successes. So why am I rambling?

Because the last part, the hardest part.

I know what I am walking into. The long hours - the lack of free time (something that has become VERY important to me) - the Money sink - and the reality that it may just be a very expensive hobby of talking to myself. But at least the last one I liken to most Middle Aged Old guys - except I am not buying a sports car.

So the first step now is going to be me talking to a camera about whatever comes to mind, if I can put together all the pieces the full length show will launch. But time will tell.

My health issues could also be someone else’s too - so I will be sharing all aspects. Some may be in a members area.

But changes are being made today to set this up, so time to get to work!