Life huh?

So this long first step of the journey is about to come to an end. And in the last few weeks I have been having to use in the real world, a lot of what I talk about here in this blog and in the few videos over on Youtube that I have.

Whoever said “Life imitates Art”, needs a good kicking to say the least. Having to put to work, the words I say and practice what I preach so to speak. And damn if it is not testing my patience and limits of my ability.

Said to a friend the other day, sometimes in life you will quit something, and sometimes the thing will quit you. And I am dealing with the latter, and no reading between the lines - this is NOT a relationship type thing.

But it was something critical to what I am working towards, and a major setback. Like 5 steps back setback. And literally nothing anyone can do about it. So add in the feeling of between a rock and hard place, and helplessness. Sprinkle on the dark thoughts I tend to live with, and it’s been one HELL of a week.

But for the most part my self imposed pity party is over, and now I am trying to clean up the ashes and rebuild and start a new. And it is testing the limits of my willingness to do a damn thing. But as I have past rambled in this here blog, I am on a new Heroes Journey and damn well better dust myself off and get back to it.

But even as I type these words I hear the doom in my head of why bother and what’s the point? What I lost was significant enough that it has really caused some problems with my day to day life. And to add, the others involved are also not doing well in the head. And by accident or intent caused my situation to be worse than it already was.

And trying my best to let it go, set it lose to the universe and get back to it. But I still see red at my anger, and frustration. Had to walk back into it last weekend and smile for the world. Put on the mask and let Raven out to play for the day. Only at the last minute to be cut short, and possibly drug out for longer.

Guess I am venting in as vague a way as possible, those who know will know. The rest, the details of the story are not as important as the ramble. So I find me, asking myself, “What Now?” “What’s Next?” And while I gain a lot of much wanted time, I lose stability and comfort in exchange. Add in I just got older as well, and the slow creep to becoming a senior citizen soon approaching.

So probably starting in the next week or so, I will launch some sort of talk show perhaps. Depending on the way the next week goes. Or after the launch of the Pilot and Announcement videos for the new show.

It’s also become kind of hard to get anyone to return interview requests. Of ANYONE. I KNOW what it means to start a new project. But most of these are people I know. Life happens huh? When bad luck starts to return and piles up, finding some hope is not as easy as it sounds. But sitting still also never gets you anywhere.

So what to do? I ask myself this here. And I remind myself, I have always thrived on chaos and been the day of show guy. How is this one setback any different? And that small part of me that wants to give up screams in protest!

I should just walk away before I get too deep, but then fear wins. So does self doubt. Then I will have a what if? And I know that feeling, and that one too many times to me, becomes regret. So no way I am giving in to that.

So I am doing my best, failing about half the time. Dusting myself off and trying again for today.

All you can do right?